The first reaction of the girl who learned about the betrayal by her beloved person will be the question of what is wrong with her. It will arise regardless of the degree of self-confidence or the breadth of the views of the deceived person, since what happened means one thing: the other turned out to be something better. Psychologists advise not to linger on the stage of introspection and for a while to abandon the problem.
Important! Today, taking care of yourself and having an attractive appearance at any age is very simple. How? Read the story carefully Marina Kozlova Read →
From a psychological point of view, physiological betrayal is not always possible to award the degree of the highest crime against fidelity. The position of “sin” on the scale of faults will depend on several factors at once:
- What preceded the "criminal act", what circumstances.
- For the first time, a man was seen or not.
- How long the relationship lasted.
- Did the guy try to hide the betrayal or said so directly.
In any scenario, the girl is able to find an excuse for her young man, and most often the main excusing circumstance will be: "she is to blame." Seven deceived girls will go to such a step of unconscious indulgence of another's guilt, covered by pure fear of losing love (not a loved one, but the feeling itself). But not always this option for the development of the plot leads to a complete restoration of confidence in the relationship, moreover, almost never. And the echoes of the pain experienced will periodically shoot back in memory, then in thoughts of the future.
Breaking up without listening to an explanation is also a bad option. Every person caught in something bad will try to shield himself. But since the betrayal implies the guilty one, the girl should be ready to listen to the story of the deceitful seductress or even hear the accusation in her direction - she overlooked, did not want to, did not like. The only way out of the situation is a pause for a day or a week, which will help the deceived to understand his understanding of the situation and decide what to do.
Psychologists advise: having discovered betrayal by a loved one, you must allow yourself the luxury of not holding a blow, but falling, crying, pouring resentment and anger on household items. But this must be done in complete solitude, and not in the presence of the offender. After 20 minutes, you will be able to notice how the emotional flow will decline. And 40 minutes later, when tears run dry and everything boils up, it turns out that the tragedy that has happened has already taken its place in the chain of days gone by. It is important to understand that it is impossible to rewrite a fait accompli, but you can only decide what to do now.
It is not necessary in the very first hours after receiving an unpleasant message to try to find an explanation for the act of the young man. He is an adult and disposed of himself as he wanted. The most important thing for the girl at the moment is to grope for support under her feet and realize that she is an independent person, not identifiable with anyone, able to make a decision for her own good.
If the relationship with the cheating guy is broken, he went to a rival or demonstrates the mocking position of a “hero” or “offended”, one should not think about trying to return such love. In fact, this is one of the positive options for the development of events after the betrayal. There is a chance to start a new life and new relationships without this "baggage" of adventure.
It should be systematic, having allocated 2-3 days for this, to squeeze out of his being all the traces of this person's stay. Remove his gifts from home, remove reminders of him from personal space: social networks, photo albums. If one succeeds in connecting fantasy, one can imagine how it becomes easier to breathe with each memorable object removed from life, and it seems as if the traitor carries it further and further with the wind.
No matter what explanatory motivation a man who stabs in the back invents for himself, he will never feel guilty. Even cursing himself with the last words before a deceived girl, a cheater somewhere in his soul has long prepared an excuse for himself and does not believe that the whole burden of responsibility lies on his shoulders. This moment is a psychological axiom and is applicable to all cases of betrayal without exception. Therefore, hoping that the guy fully realized his guilt and took a decisive stance of entering the path of correction is wrong. Just now, in the list of his priorities, the beloved takes a position higher than a random connection.
The girl whom the guy cheated on herself has the right to decide whether to forgive her unfaithfulness, accepting the young man's excuses for the truth, or to show intransigence. She will have to be guided not so much by the voice of her heart and the entreaties of her lover, but by the circumstances that provoked adultery.
This is the most frequent masculine excuse justifying infidelity, and it is the most ridiculous. Even occasionally occurring family scandals cannot push a person to quickly leave home, meet or make an appointment with another girl and commit an act of treason. All this is a complex algorithm, involving a long reflection, waiting, phase of seduction and obtaining consent - that is, a full-scale process in several actions.
Whatever the reason, that the guy made a betrayal, thoughts about this opportunity and some steps preceding this event were taken by him even earlier. Perhaps some small push was not enough for betrayal, but sooner or later a reason would be found. And the family atmosphere here is only indirect, albeit conditionally provocative.
The decision whether to stay with the young man after his cheating or not is often influenced by the circumstance “was not previously involved” or the fact that the guy has repeatedly come across adultery.
A man who cheats for the first time, or who has not yet become involved in the role of a traitor and who has not lost his novelty in feelings, will certainly betray himself with behavioral nuances. If his relationship with a regular girl satisfies both, but at this moment in the secret life of a young man appears “other”, the position of the guy becomes critical. He feels like a traitor, rushing about, finds pretexts not to be alone with his beloved, or looks into her eyes, as if probing the soil: he knows, he does not know. This is the tactics of the “guilty” inherent in a loving, but stumbled person. Psychologists advise giving a second chance to such a relationship, if the deceiver’s relationship with the homeowner hasn’t gone too far.
It may be that new feelings will completely overwhelm him and supplant the pangs of conscience. In a permanent relationship, a tangible cold will immediately appear. An attentive girl will notice the other first signs of a guy’s obvious betrayal:
- reduction of moments of intimacy,
- neglect of communication
- booming SMS correspondence, calls from unknowns,
- new details in appearance (hairstyle, change of style).
An infidelity of this kind is a "statement of self." That is, the young man already at this stage of the relationship shows what can be expected from him and according to which scenario something new comes into his life. This is a very “addicted” psychotype of a personality that is very dangerous for a joint future, in which “dramas” of this kind will periodically flash in life.
There is a third scheme: the guy has not changed for the first time and fully justifies the act by the polygamy of the entire masculine gender. His guilt is minimal and resembles the prediction of unpleasant scenes and discomfort already experienced in advance. If infidelity had not been revealed, he would not have shown himself in any way, since a sense of duality is part of his character traits. This category - “alpha male” - is suitable only for girls of a similar way of thinking or eternal “victims” of love.
It happens that the situation that has arisen begins to tear the guy apart from the inside and, if there is trust in the relationship with his girlfriend, he repents before her and begs forgiveness. No matter how great the heartache, psychologists recommend the companion of the traitor to listen to his vows of fidelity and issue a nullified credit of trust once again. It’s rare, but it happens that adultery exhausts a guy so much on a psychological level that his attachment to a generous girlfriend becomes even stronger.
The most unpleasant scenario, if the girl found out "about it" from outsiders or found "evidence" there. They may become signs of a sexually transmitted disease in the most deceived or the pregnancy of a lover's boyfriend. This situation is regarded by psychologists unambiguously - relations with this person should be stopped immediately.
The third question that needs to be assessed, considering the likelihood of a resumption of relations, is whether the mistress is in the personal circle of a young couple. No wonder the betrayal of a guy with a close friend of his bride practically in front of her eyes makes up a whole niche of the “movie genre”. This is a very painful moment, having survived that the girl should immediately delete from her life both the young man and his passion.
If, after reflection, the girl is ready to restore relations, both partners will have to overcome the stage of building trust. This is the conclusion of a treaty drawn up bilaterally, with specific points. The list of positions is not limited by any scope - young people bring exciting moments to it.
Important! Lovers make lists for each other and only then coordinate them.
The list of contract clauses drawn up for a guy may include the following:
- Talk about the past day every night without hiding anything important.
- To deliberately go towards the development of relations towards marriage.
- Limit communication with other girls.
- Stop all contact with a lovemaker, etc.
Approximate list for a girl:
- Do not destroy the confidence in the guy by spying on him.
- Do not recall the unpleasant situation for both aloud.
- Do not blackmail the guy with self-pity.
The girl must understand that letting go of the situation in which nothing can be changed, she completely loses the right to any reproaches of the young man, unflattering memories, to his special “guilty” attitude towards her. Otherwise, you do not need to waste time and play on each other's nerves.
The largest percentage of infidelity falls on the first, timid relationship of two young lovers. For a girl, first love is of great importance. She seems to her the only one for life, but the young man perceives this moment in a different way - as a test of his masculine capabilities, an attempt to prove himself in this world.
Since the guy is not yet able to distribute his internal forces and does not have the tactfulness that comes with experience, cheating for him is the main way to end some boring relationship in favor of others that are still full of pungency. Often, the impetus is an example of a friend who is proud of his victories, or even a situation learned from the experience of parenting. The trouble is that the girl, whom the misfortune falls upon to discover the betrayal of a guy, is not yet able to cover all these reasons and will look for a problem in herself.
A big mistake for a young person who is experiencing an internal tragedy will be an attempt to avenge "him" by establishing a new relationship. A young man who switches to another subject of adoration will not understand such a reproach, if he notices it. But the girl will suffer another fiasco and will be drawn into a vicious circle of dependence on male intimacy.
The “universal” means of psychological assistance to a girl experiencing the betrayal of a loved one will be distraction from the situation by immersion in some new hobby for her. The best choice will be painstaking man-made labor, the development of which will take enough time and effort, or sports.
Another powerful method of cleansing from painful thoughts, experts call reading books, but not drunken, built on automatism, but thoughtful, with writing out quotes and discussing reading with loved ones.
How to behave, if you convicted a husband of treason - the advice of a psychologist.
You suspected your husband of treason. They tried in different ways to find out the truth. And everything was confirmed. So what to do? How to be now? The psychologist Galina Artemyeva discusses how to behave better when she finds out about her husband’s betrayal.
Remember the song: "I decidedly took off my thrown jacket, it seemed I had the strength to be proud, I said to him:“ All the best “."
First: Do not rush to take off your jacket decisively. Cool and think. Well - let's think together. It turned out that you lived with a traitor. But you lived! Even quite a long time. And nothing! Well, still be patient, cool. Repeat, repeat to yourself: "Yes, he has changed! Yes, he has changed!" Well - let's repeat a hundred times, until it becomes funny itself. (It will certainly be, but not so soon!)
The second: let's admit to ourselves that nothing of the kind has happened yet. Everyone is alive? Alive! Even healthy! There is where to live, there is something to eat. Already good. Well - an extraneous dirty trick flew into your life. So now? Shoot yourself? Let's learn to keep punch! Rake this dirty pile and throw it in the trash. And that’s all! Forgot. And do not dare to grind in her poor head the words from the found letter of the husband, addressed to another: "I love you, you are my only wife - my cross (just think, yes? Well and bastard!), She poisons my life, only with you I'm happy. "
Third: tell yourself clearly what you want. Do you want everything to return, and be good, calm, peaceful? Is it possible! And it is up to you.
If you want to get a divorce, realizing that you are not able to bear the truth that has been revealed, remember one thing: it will not become easier after a divorce. In any case, the pain will be erased by time, but this will not happen soon. And why should everything be solved with the help of a divorce? Who will you do better by deciding to break? Mistress - certainly! Yourself? You decide.
Fourth: You can demand from the husband the termination of any relations with the mistress. If he goes to this and tries to establish a family atmosphere, try not to poison your life with him reproaches and scandals. In the end, he chose you. What more do you need?
Fifth: reconsider your relationship to marital proximity. Diversify your sex life, in no case do not shy away from sex.
Sixth: distribute household chores; let the husband step up his involvement in family affairs.
Seventh: clearly discuss the distribution of family funds.
Eighth: if the husband refuses to break up with his mistress, continue her relationship, it makes sense to decide on a warning about the break. Only seriously, not blackmailing, not playing. If the husband understands the seriousness of your decision, if his family is still dear to him, he may break off extramarital affairs.
A lot depends on you. The choice is yours. The main thing is to make a decision with a cold head. Do not let erratic feelings push you to reckless actions.
Tips That Can Help
There are some elementary truths that the involuntary (or potential) participants in the love triangle (which is good, if not the polygon) must learn. They need to be known no worse than the rules of the road for the sake of maintaining mental and physical health, working capacity and self-respect.
Wives are advised to remember:
- Your idea of a husband is not your husband at all.
- If you began to perceive your husband as an invariable part of your home interior, you know: it’s quite possible that there are places where he plays other roles with pleasure, and rests at home after violent love games, perceiving you as a little thing needed in his household.
- Getting married, you do not get a husband for life use.
- The life of every person, including your legal spouse, belongs primarily to him. Everyone has the right to make a mistake. And the recognition of this error, too. It depends on you what your husband will consider a mistake - a marriage with you or an affair on the side.
- If you find that your husband is cheating on you, try to keep your prudence first. Determine for yourself honestly and bluntly what you want in this situation. Possible options, as a rule, are as follows:
- I want to break off relations immediately and leave forever, forgetting him like a nightmare,
- I want to be together, to forgive everything and that everything was as before,
- I don’t want to leave and I can’t, but I dream of taking revenge on him for the pain I’ve caused
- I’ll stay with him from the principle that the mistress does not come out victorious,
- I need to reconsider the past, understand what my own misconceptions were, and not let the situation ruin myself.
Just take into account the law of life: nothing destroys us like a desire for revenge, so options c) and d) can be dangerous for your physical and mental well-being. Revenge of the guilty (if they are guilty) will be realized, believe me, without your participation. Because evil will return to its creators. But not when you long for it, but much later. You need to relax, thinking about yourself and your own, only yours, tasks and their solutions.
- Keep your dignity. Узнав об измене, ни в коем случае не пытайтесь общаться с любовницей, изобличать ее, собирать повсюду порочащие ее факты. Будьте выше. Пусть ценой невероятных внутренних усилий. Не ради мужа или мнения о вас посторонних людей. Ради себя самой. Чтобы потом уважать себя за силу духа и твердость характера.
- Если вы сочли для себя возможным оставаться в браке с неверным мужем, простите его окончательно и бесповоротно. Do not engage in constant knocking out, do not rebuke, do not remind you of the past, do not ulcerate. Otherwise, you will make your husband very, very sorry for the fact that he still remained.
One must be able to show nobility. This is a feat. But if you consciously decided to save the family, work for the good of its restoration. (Restoring, we note, is always more difficult than destroying.)
- Do not try to find an immediate replacement for your husband, pay him back with the same coin. Any of us can find a random partner if necessary. Only he will not be a consolation. If we were pushed into a dirty puddle, we should rather get out of it, wash ourselves from the dirt and forget. But entering into random relationships is equivalent to the fact that you from one mud, where you didn’t get your own free will, will jump into another mud, assuring yourself that you are taking revenge on the first puddle.
- Focus on your health. Women who have deeply experienced the pain of adultery often get sick with female diseases - this is how the body reacts to humiliation and insult. You owe it to yourself to stay healthy and attractive. Make every effort to be in public, distract from gloomy thoughts.
- Whatever you decide: to be together or to part, try to remain friends. This is the most fruitful, wise and true direction of thoughts and actions. Even if at first friendship with a traitor is impossible to imagine.
Husbands should understand:
- Women are arranged by nature in a completely different way than you. For them, physical intimacy means a lot more than gymnastic exercises followed by relaxation. In most cases, their soul strings are involved. Beware of vibrations of these strings in case of detection of your unclean behavior.
- If you say to a woman “I love you” in order to just feel the full emotional return from her, you play a dishonest game, because for her these words are equivalent to a proposal to forever bind your destinies.
- No matter how you are inspired by achievements on the sexual front, do not lose your head. If you are mostly satisfied with your marriage, you should respect your wife’s feelings if she finds adultery. You risk losing your faithful and reliable companion.
- Adventures on the side quite often end with the same marriage bonds. And a complete disappointment in the ardent feeling that forced to destroy the true relationship with the real (as it happens, some men say) wife.
- Do not bring your mistress into your family home; there are things that cannot be done under any circumstances. This is one of them. If a childishly naive question arises: why, you can answer quite childishly: it will be worse. The lover will be furious at the sight of his wife’s things, will inflame with such hatred that it will somehow materialize in the form of a series of setbacks and troubles that will begin to pour on the heads of all members of the family union.
- Do not devote a mistress to family affairs, to children's problems and the like. Caution: you give her the most valuable thing - information that she can use to harm those whom you love, but she does not. The secret always becomes apparent - it is an immutable law. At least do not contribute to this.
- You are deeply mistaken if you think that, having started an affair on the side, you have finally found a faithful soul that understands your original passion for freedom, adventure, extreme sports. You would be very surprised if you heard the intimate conversations of your freedom-loving and reckless lover with your friends. Believe me, you would be struck by the strategy and tactics of the battle for owning you just like a legal spouse, which are developed for a cup of coffee in a trendy restaurant. You understand: with us women, the count of time goes by seconds. We simply can not afford to spray "just like that." And those who allow themselves to be used as lightning rods remain completely bankrupt in their personal lives, without a husband, children and everything that is supposed to be for us. So understand: they are fighting for you! You are a pawn, not a king!
- Sorry for this very intimate point of our program. But if you have already entered the field of sexual games, please use an agent that protects against infection. No matter how trustworthy your new chosen one may seem to you, everything happens in life. There are often tragic cases when HIV-infected people intentionally infect those who trustfully have sexual contact with them, without being protected by anything. HIV-infected people are sometimes in a special mental state, believing that life has treated them unfairly and decide to take revenge on others for their own suffering.
- Do not tell your lover about the shortcomings of behavior, misunderstanding and perverse inclinations of your wife. You want to pour out your soul. You are looking for empathy. You crave to be loved, such a sufferer. You yourself, not noticing it, carried away, very thicken the colors. You, of course, love, regret. But remember: a woman who loves you may not be able to withstand the overwhelming hatred of your offender (that is, the wife with whom you do not intend to leave). And then thunder will strike! The wife will get the most, of course. But you will not bypass the chain of very unpleasant episodes.
- Life is a systemic process. As part of the system, we influence each other. Human relationships form feedback chains. Sooner or later, a person experiences the results of what he did with others. Therefore, try not to tune up, so as not to hit yourself at the most inopportune moment.